the
elusive self
Let
us start this topic at a place that will put the culprit where it
belongs. We quote the third step prayer, in the original anonymous
text book, from page 63:
"God, I offer myself to Thee
- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
Now
let us take a look at what the definition of bondage is:
1. The state of one who is bound as a slave or serf.
2. A state of subjection to a force, power, or influence.
If
you will look at any unabridged dictionary, you are likely to find the
word self mentioned over a hundred times. One dictionary that was
observed had it mentioned over one hundred and twenty times, all the way
from self-abasement down to self-will.
With
this information, we need to back up, and take a look at the second step:
Came
to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
During
my extreme depressive period, my sponsor suggested that I meet with an old
timer, in our area, because he had not had to experience anything like I
was going through. After a few hours of conversation, the old timer
suggested that I go home and read James 4:7.
You adulterers! Don’t you
realize that friendship with this world makes you an enemy of God? I say
it again, that if your aim is to enjoy this world, you can’t be a
friend of God. What do you think the Scriptures mean when they say that
the Holy Spirit, whom God has placed within us, jealously longs for us
to be faithful? He gives us more and more strength to stand against such
evil desires. As the Scriptures say,
"God sets himself against
the proud,
but he shows favor to the
humble."
7So humble yourselves before
God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God,
and God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify
your hearts, you hypocrites. Let there be tears for the wrong things you
have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness
instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. When you bow down before
the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give
you honor. (James 4:4-10)
Hope
that you will not be bored, but at about ten years into abstinence,
getting a handle on my selves was really important. It was time for
me to start understanding that I had a religious self, a career
self, a romantic self, a money self, a legal self, a medical self, an IRS
self, a family self, a parental self, a husband self, a
business self, a fearful self, and last but not least, a
sexual self, ad infinitum.
Are
you getting the picture? What a mess! No wonder we need a Mess-iah.
I think that he got the worse end of that deal.
Another
reason that ourselves are so elusive can better be understood with a quote
from a friend that said in a meeting one day:
"Once
I think that I am getting a handle on one of my defects of character, it
will jump up under an assumed name."
Maybe
we need a refresher course:
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Now
let us jump over to the sixth chapter, "Into Action," for the next
quote, which is found on page seventy two:
Having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it? We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path. We have admitted certain defects; we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is; we have put our finger on the weak
items in our personal inventory.
Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part, which, when completed, will mean that we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our defects.
So,
until we are ready to cooperate with God, and his infinite wisdom, we just
have to muddle along, carrying all of our stuff with us, even the unwanted
stuff, that causes more guilt and shame, until those suckers are indeed
cast out, never to return, because we have learned our lesson.
At
about twelve years into abstinence, sitting on a sofa, with over a dozen other
guys in the beach house that we were in, reading the 12 and 12 on a study
weekend - Friday night through Sunday afternoon, a sentence in the sixth step jumped off of the page at me:
"The
key words 'entirely ready' underline the fact that we want to aim at the
very best we know or can learn."
My
comment on that is that if we are just willing, that does not mean that we
are ready. Learning about love, the way God sees it means that we
must be in the altruistic plane, which means that it is pure, and we are
expecting nothing in return. God is love, and love is giving, not
getting or taking. In the days of old, the meaning of love, in the
spiritual realm, was charity, and still is. Remember reading in one
translation of the bible, "let your aim be love."
Here is what teachers should aim at. God's people should love each other with a love which comes from a clean heart, a clear mind, and true faith.
(1 Timothy 1:5)
Until
a conscious decision had been made to aim at love, from God's perspective,
the only love that I knew about was between the sheets stuff, if you get
my drift.
Never
will forget the guy from Texas that visited our group, in my first several
years of abstinence and said, "Alcoholism is not a was'em. It
is an 'ism, meaning the i, the self, and the me."
Now
the good news. When the spiritual awakening begins, the seed of a
divine Self is awakened that supplants the lower human nature self.
But we are talking about years of delicate balance to learn how to go from
fear and pride to love, faith, and service, with God's humility of
instruction, supply, and inspiration.
