Signs of campaign withdrawal/ By Bill Shein

NOW THAT the longest, nastiest, and most expensive political campaign in interplanetary history is over -- pending any recounts, re-recounts, and unprecedented re-recount-countings -- some Americans may begin to suffer a variety of post-election withdrawal symptoms.

Are you at risk? Here are some signs that it's time to turn off the "Meet the Press," stop calling your kids "Red" and "Blue," and get some help:

When you woke up this morning, your first thought was, "Only 1,462 more days until Election Day, Tuesday, Nov. 4, 2008!"

When preparing to order dinner at a restaurant, you ask, "Has Gallup polled 'likely eaters' on the salmon versus the stuffed shells?"

When recalling a debate you watched last week on C-SPAN -- between two obscure candidates for a House seat from rural Kentucky -- you get weepy.

You have suggestive dreams involving CNN pundit Tucker Carlson in which he is not wearing his bow-tie.

When explaining to your boss why you haven't finished an important project, you cleverly stand in front of a giant Orwellian backdrop that says, in several places, "Making Progress on That Project Every Day."

When your kids talk back, you punish them for "not staying on message."

You are considering a move to a battleground state like Florida, Ohio, or Pennsylvania in time for the next presidential election.

You sometimes let the meter run for hours while you talk politics with your cab driver, Dick Gephardt.

When the IRS calls with questions about your dubious tax deductions, you calmly refer them to your nonexistent "campaign spokesperson" before making for the border.

When asked where you're taking your family on vacation next summer, you say, "We're starting in Iowa, and then we're going to California and Texas and New York! We're going to South Dakota, and Oregon, and Washington, and Michigan! And then we're going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House! Yeeaahhhhh!"

You ask people if they need a ride to the polls, even though voting ended weeks ago.

When your boss asks -- again -- why you still haven't finished that important project, you stubbornly blame the 2001 recession, corporate scandals and terrorism.

When your baby is born nine months from now, you plan to name him "October Surprise."

When getting your hair cut and styled, you say, "Make me look like Al Sharpton."

When someone asks you a question, you strictly limit your answer to just 90 seconds.

If you're single, you only date potential "running mates" who live in states with at least 20 electoral votes.

If you lose your ticket on the way to pick up your dry cleaning, you tell the clerk, "You don't understand: I had the ticket before I didn't have the ticket."

After sharing your opinion with someone, you immediately say your name aloud and then add, "And I approved this message."

Despite an infinite number of nonpolitical topics to write a column about, you choose, "Signs of Campaign Withdrawal."

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Sent: Monday, October 25, 2004 10:39 AM

Subject: JOB APPLICATION ...Want To Laugh?

                 JOB APPLICATION

NAME: John Kerry

RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth multi-millions. I served in Vietnam (four months).

EXPERIENCE:  Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam (four months).

MILITARY: I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in  protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier,"  shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).

COLLEGE: I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:  After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months).

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:  As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).  My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months). I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of  Country. I served in Vietnam (four months).  Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. I served in Vietnam (four months).

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:  None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).

PERSONAL I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet the "Flying Squirrel". I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scaramouch". I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.  I own several large SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months).

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004  

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this scribe has no idea as to the accuracy of the above, so, even though it was received on october twenty fifth, it was never forwarded from our address, nor posted until the post election season.  some of us are still little devils though, aren't we?

the following was provided by our good friend danny.

You are Invited!!!!!

Due to the cancellation of the Inaugural Ball for Senator  Kerry...There will be a small Suare' (pity party) for those who have already bought their attire.

The nights entertainment will be provided by the DIXIE CHICKS &  Bruce Springsteen

Tissues for excessive self pity will be furnished by Susan Sarrandon  and Tim Robbins

We are pleased to announce DAN RATHER will be our Master of  ceremonies!!!

Yeah!!!!

Cameron Diaz has pledged CUPCAKES!!

Whats this?....a Free Screening of Fahrenheit 911! Thank you Michael  Moore.

Ashton Kutcher will sign his latest book..."I open my mouth...and stupid falls out"

P Diddy will not be in attendance, he is still trying to get the  vote out. If you see him tell him that he was not "disenfranchised" from  this event. He can come home now.

Barbara Streisand is preparing for her next role and will not be here, (boo hoo), she will be staring as Teresa Heinz Kerry in the sad story of " Shove it"

Just in.....Grapes will be provided by the Heinz Corporation....Sorry, only SOUR available.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson will be cooking on the BBQ and John Kerry  will be flippin the burgers...something he has proven to be very good at. Lots of Ketchup folks, the white house has donated thousands of bottles, relish, mustard, and all the pickles too. when asked why the generosity? The spokesman for the Bush Household told us.....We have switched to DelMonte thank you very much.

Attention all actors: Norman Lear is casting for his new television show "Fahrenheit 11-2-04 how'd the GOP do that?"

Hope to see you all there...not much else going on.

HILLARY

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