anger
&
resentment
Let
us start this web page with a definition of anger, and a list of words
that are synonymous with anger.
anger:
n. A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.
v. To make angry; enrage or provoke.
Synonyms: anger, rage, fury, ire, wrath, resentment, indignation
These nouns denote varying degrees of marked displeasure.
Anger, the most general, is strong
displeasure.
Rage and fury imply intense, explosive, often destructive emotion: smashed the glass in a fit of
rage.
Ire is a term for anger most frequently encountered in literature: “The best way to escape His ire/Is, not to seem too happy” (Robert Browning).
Wrath applies especially to anger that seeks vengeance or
punishment.
Resentment refers to indignant smoldering anger generated by a sense of
grievance.
Indignation is righteous anger at something wrongful, unjust, or
evil.
Now
let us provide some published ideas about resentment:
Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance.
n : a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will [syn: bitterness, gall, rancor, rancour]
a. The act of resenting.
b. The state of holding something in the mind as a subject of contemplation, or of being inclined to reflect upon something; a state consciousness; conviction; feeling; impression.
c. In a bad sense, strong displeasure; anger; hostility provoked by a wrong or injury experienced.
"Resentment . . . Is a deep, reflective displeasure against the conduct of the offender." (Cogan)
Synonym: Anger, irritation, vexation, displeasure, grudge, indignation, choler, gall, ire, wrath, rage, fury.
Resentment, Anger. Anger is the broader term, denoting a keen sense of disapprobation (usually with a desire to punish) for
whatever we feel to be wrong, whether directed toward ourselves or others.
Resentment
is anger excited by a sense of personal injury. It is, etymologically, that reaction of the mind which we instinctively feel when we think ourselves wronged.
Pride and selfishness are apt to aggravate this feeling until it changes into a criminal
animosity; and this is now the more common signification of the term.
Being founded in a sense of injury, this feeling is hard to be removed; and hence the expressions bitter or implacable resentment.
Anger
presents the need to blame someone else.
Possibly,
the hardest conditions that we have to accept, in recovery, and get used
to, is mentioned in the above information, which is underlined, about
"anger - toward ourselves," which causes depression.
Today,
that makes sense to me. We need to keep in mind that we have to
learn an entirely new vocabulary, when we get to the rooms of anonymous
recovery. And even though we may know the words, it takes a long
time to understand them.
During
my worst episodes of deepest depression, I was ten times more suicidal
than I was when I got to the doors of abstinence, and those days occurred
about six years into abstinence. Finally, the expression "bat
s--- crazy," makes sense to me.
Was
successful in abstinence, over twenty years, before I heard, "Expectations
are premeditated resentments." There
is a story in the third edition, of the original anonymous text book, that
states the more our expectations, the less our serenity and the less our
expectations, the greater our serenity. (bigbook
page 452)
Also,
let us provide a comment that hit really hard, said by someone from another
state, that had
over thirty years of abstinence, that was visiting our group: "If
we stay around the recovery scene, we have to clean up the mess that we
have made in recovery too."
Since it was a long time ago that I heard the last quote, it is actually
paraphrased.
But
in the seventies, we often heard in meetings, "You need to put a
"d" in the front of the word anger, because you are on the verge
of danger, every time you get angry."
The
jest of the preceding information though is summed up with the single
concept, ill-will. In another
web page, we
go into detail about harboring ill feelings, and that we have an illness,
that causes dis-ease, which requires a spiritual solution, rather than
di-sease that requires medical attention.
One
good example of what resentments really are, is as follows. Remember doing a fifth
step with a guy that was forty four years old. A spanking by his
grandmother at age eight was mentioned a few
times. It was repeated and he could not get over her spanking
him, while he was playing ball in the yard. The truth of throwing the baseball, up
beside of the clapboard - wood siding - home, was mentioned much later.
After
the forth or fifth time that this incident was brought up, I asked, "What did
you do, throw the ball through the window?" His reply was
no. I could not imagine a grandmother just spanking a kid. So,
we got down on our knees, on the living room floor, and while holding
hands prayed and asked
God to clear this up for us.
About
an hour after that, he said, "Oh, I remember, my grandmother came out in
the yard, and told me that if I did not quit throwing the ball up against the
side of the house, while she was trying to take a nap, that she was going
to tell my dad, after she had spanked me." The truth is that
self-will continued, and he received a spanking. And he had carried
around this resentment for thirty six years.
In
summary, it is very difficult to remember our part in resentments, because
some of the truth is always hidden from us, until we are earnestly trying
to let the wreckage of the past be cleared away, by making restitution,
for the harm done, in step nine. This is where we ask for strength
and direction, to do the right thing.
Since
we have brought feelings into this topic, let it be shared that many times
people have said to me, "What you said hurt my feelings."
My
reply was always, "I do not have the power to hurt your feelings,
because they are your feelings. Your feelings got hurt by what is in
you, not me."
Now
let us read what the original anonymous text book says about this topic,
in a round about way. On page 125, in the chapter "The Family
Afterwards," we find the following information:
Another principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure he would approve. We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may criticize
or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produce the contrary effect. Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil.
We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that
serious handicap.
Let
us put this in street language, or slang, in today's anonymous recovery vernacular.
When we get to anonymous recovery, generally, we are thin skinned and
thick headed. We begin to get our emotions tied to spiritual
principles, and ultimately at the end of the rebirth process, we always
put principles before personalities, and therefore end up with an open
mind, and are thick skinned.
Frequently
in today's anonymous meetings can be heard the following expression.
"What people think about me is none of my business." Our emotions are now tied to God,
rather than temporal things of this world.
Now
to all of you busy bodies out there in the hinterland, let us throw in one
more reference to scriptures, before we close this web page. Let
there be full understanding of the following verses:
“Stop judging others, and you will not be judged.
For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged.
And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?
How can you think of saying, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?
Hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye."
(Matthew 7:1-5)
The
point is that step ten requires that we continue to look for what we have
done, or are doing wrong, rather than what the other person has done that
we perceive as being terribly wrong. When the focus changes from
what our error is, to what their error is, our illness grows, without
fail.
To
put it another way, every time we point our finger at anything that is
wrong, there are always three fingers pointing back at us.
